Kent’s 25 Favorite Damned Movies of 2017 (#15-11)

15. I, TONYA- A movie that chronicles the first 25 years or so in the life of Tonya Harding could have really gone one of two ways: either the self-serious Lifetime Movie route, or embracing the story’s inherent ridiculousness. Having Margot Robbie, who is “Hollywood pretty” by any standard, portray Tonya Harding at age 15 by giving her a short haircut and some braces pretty much shows right off the bat that the film intends to go the second way. But in addition to the requisite goofiness one can expect for a figure skating film full of rednecks, assholes, half-wits, and dim-wits, the movie itself plays things pretty smart. It’s been simultaneously praised and derided for taking inspiration from the work of Martin Scorcese. Goodfellas in particular is name-dropped in the advertising. But in order to put together a tale in which not one, but multiple unreliable narrators regularly refute each other, sometimes even turning to the audience and breaking the fourth wall to dispute the action occurring onscreen, it likely couldn’t have worked as well any other way. Ultimately, the film’s view of Harding is a sympathetic one (her POV is understandably the most prevalent), but it never lets her off the hook, as she is represented as throwing regular tantrums, making constant excuses, and usually only taking minimal responsibility for her actions. The storytelling has pop sensibilities through and through; in fact, I would go so far as to say it’s technically brilliant. However, there’s always some sadness around the edges to remind you that, no matter how absurd the plot gets, these are real people. The end credits even show excerpts from archival footage to try to drill home how surprisingly unexaggerated this whole circus is.

14. COCO- It’s possible that Coco may seem better than it is by virtue of having a truly bad Frozen special programmed before it. However, even if we assume that’s the case, it still comes across as a total winner for Pixar. The story, which follows a music loving Mexican boy through the mythological underworld on Dia de los Muertos, may have some plot holes, but it’s hard to worry about them when it’s so much fun and has a lot of great touches that remind us how Pixar really cares about the details. So in a lot of ways it’s more or less par for the course for the Lamp, but even then, Coco manages to elbow its way into the higher tiers of their films thanks to the humor on display and the main character being pretty endearing. Beyond that though, there’s some really mystifying stuff for anyone who wants to really dig, like how it takes place in an afterlife where fame is an even more valuable commodity than in our own world. The music is catchy (and, since at least one tune is repeated ad naseum, that is very, very important. See also: That Thing You Do.) The visuals are full of a Halloween splendor, with a walking tour of the most unique setting they’ve put on the screen since Monstropolis. But even in a movie this visually striking, Mama Coco herself stands out, at once creepy, heartbreaking and… even almost cute on occasion; truly great character design. While I’m glad animation has slowly been evolving and there are seemingly more voices in the features game than ever before, there’s a reason Pixar continues to stand out in their field.

13. BLADE RUNNER 2049- It’s hard to believe that Denis Villenueve pulled off a sequel that not only managed to keep from sullying the lustre of its now-regarded-as-a-classic progenitor, but may even improve upon it, leaving its moral relativism and complex plotting while forgoing a lot of the overcooked dialogue and adding something that the original only flirted with: genuine pathos. Ryan Gosling makes a surprisingly good lead, channeling his leading man status to serve as part of his replicant nature. Harrison Ford keeps up his “greatest hits” tour, following up his fun turn as Han Solo with another return to form, this time as Rick Deckard, the runner that took off with Sean Young’s experimental Rachel model of the original. But the real MVP is Ana de Armas, who is heartbreakingly good as various forms of an artificial intelligence named, appropriately enough, Joi. The plot twists here are not small, and the risk they undertook is definitely rewarded. While the visuals overall may not be as idiosyncratic and downright awesome (in the truest sense of the word) as the original, there are some bits here and there that certainly come close, especially a visit to an abandoned city that looks like it was rezoned to Mars. Plus, I can’t think of a recent film with a scene which has sucker-punched me in the gut like this one has, outside of Pixar. As time goes by, I predict 2049 will find itself having a very long shelf-life, just as the first film did.

12. COLOSSAL- I’ve heard a lot about the controversy surrounding Colossal. Personally, I think it’s one of those movies where the biggest messages one interprets are ones you’re bringing into the screening with you. Which, if we’re being honest, is often a hallmark of interesting sci-fi and art in general. I didn’t see it as some huge statement of empowerment, or a screed for misandry, despite advertisers and critics telling me what to expect. I saw a movie about a terrible, manipulative person having to make better decisions, because she’s surrounded by other people who are also varying degrees of manipulative and/or terrible (or at the very least, allow that sort of behavior to continue.) So rather than focus on the controversy, or the politics, how about I point out that it’s an incredibly clever, and original movie. That it is genuinely funny and engaging. That Jason Sudeikis puts in the best performance of his career so far, at times seething under the surface with genuine menace that belies his usual charming demeanor. That Anne Hathaway continues to impress me and puts in a wonderful effort as the main character of this stealth genre film. (I’ll never understand the relatively small, but intense, cult of public disdain that follows her like a dark cloud.) That, even with a doofy explanation for why what’s happening is happening, I found it to be a wholly satisfying experience. Colossal is small, but mighty. It is thoughtful, provocative, and absolutely worthy of your time.

11. THE BIG SICK- Telling people something is “a _____ for people who don’t like _____” is not one of my preferred descriptors. It feels reductive in most respects, to both the film being recommended, and the genre which contains it. But I would definitely recommend The Big Sick to people, even if they typically don’t enjoy Hollywood romantic comedies, because it doesn’t feel like a typical, ridiculous romantic comedy. Not only that but, perhaps because it’s based on a true story, it avoids the common clichés of them while keeping the basic tenants. Yes, there’s a big secret that keeps them apart. No, that secret isn’t something ridiculous or something that makes the main character seem like a complete sociopath for piling lie upon lie. Star Kumail Nanjiani manages to come across as natural and charming, while Zoe Kazan manages to take what would usually be a thankless role, pumping the brakes when we’re rooting for them, and is actually allowed to be sympathetic. Most importantly, director (and The State alum) Michael Showalter make it feel like a character piece first, and it never loses sight of that second word in its descriptor. It’s a movie that is genuinely funny throughout, despite tackling some heavy topics. These heavy topics, like family friction created by breaking with tradition and a large dose of medical drama, even result in fully-formed character arcs. It never even feels exploitive the way a tear-jerker would, milking the hospital scenes for all their emotional worth, despite the title. See it with someone you care about (who doesn’t like to be bored.) You’ll be glad you did.

<The Best of 2017 (#20-16)                                                       The Best of 2017 (#10-5)>

Kent’s 25 Favorite Damned Movies of 2017 (#20-16)

20. MINDHORN- The “Three Amigos” formula has been kicked around for about thirty years now, with variations like A Bug’s Life and Galaxy Quest being particularly memorable. Now another joins their ranks. Mindhorn, a cyberneticly-enhanced detective who is equal parts Steve Austin and Michael Knight, is a relic of the 80s. Richard Thorncroft, the actor who portrayed him, is as well, after leaving his hit show at the height of his fame for a film career that never came to pass. When a murder suspect has trouble separating fact from fictional cheese, he sees a chance to help (while getting some good publicity along the way) by bringing back Mindhorn to help with the police investigation. From that premise, The Mighty Boosh’s Julian Barratt manages to create a singular character that is somehow still likable despite being the greater part of a narcissistic knucklehead who has managed to alienate everyone in his life, his professional community, and most of the Isle of Man. Considering how despicable he can be, and what the film is willing to do for an uncomfortable laugh, it’s actually a pretty major accomplishment that he can still wring sympathy from the audience. While I’m usually not much for cringe-inducing comedy, I can stomach it when it’s well done, and this one struck me pretty much head on.

19. HAPPY DEATH DAY- There’s an understandable knee-jerk reaction to automatically assume the worst from PG-13 rated horror films. After all, the field is littered with bad examples of genre fare that have been watered down to meet that “magic” rating, due to the strange fact that it’s seen as a sure-fire formula for higher revenue. A formula that is wrong so often, it is more than a little surprising so many executives still try to make it work. (Does anyone else think there’s an odd trend going around where it’s easier than ever for teenagers to see R-rated and adult material at home, but harder than it’s been since the 70s to see it in the theater? But I digress.) When it comes to such a specific horror subgenre as the stab-happy slasher film, being dubious seems doubly logical. However, Happy Death Day, a crackling mix of Student Bodies and Groundhog Day, is one of a handful of recent entries that manages to overcome whatever shortcomings it may be hobbled with by the studio. It turned out to be good, old-fashioned fun, even as some gore fiends confuse it’s lack of viscera and sense of humor for “childishness.” A case of having your birthday cake and eating it too, the film is relentlessly inventive as our heroine, inexplicably named Tree, manages to have a fully-fledged character arc, complete with understandable, frustrated backslides, while still getting the everloving crap killed out of her in a hundred different ways. Rather than focus on what could have been, what IS turns out to be a blast, having a ball with slasher conventions and actually turning in a mystery that’s better than the vast majority of the 80s Halloween knock-offs that make up the crudities of its DNA.

18. BATMAN VS. TWO-FACE- The Lego Batman Movie was a fine tribute to the Dark Knight in all his various forms, but an even better one slipped under the noses of many as the “Bright Knight,” Adam West, gave his last performance as Batman in this stellar animated feature that also brought back Burt Ward, Julie Newmar, and introduced William Shatner as the title’s Two-Face. Even better than last year’s similarly Direct to Video “Return of the Caped Crusaders,” it makes West’s passing this year even sadder, as this is obviously a film series that could have lasted much, much longer. Taking advantage of the animated medium, it captures the technicolor shenanigans of the ‘60s animated series and its characters perfectly, while forgetting about budgetary limitations and throwing in forty years’ worth of references from the depths of Batmanalia. (In this regard it is a kissing cousin of the also-excellent “Batman ‘66” comic book that DC published for a while once the TV series rights were ironed out at last.) Eschewing the grim foundations for one of Bats’ most iconic bad guys is a risk, but Two-Face’s new, and frankly bizarre, origin is more befitting of the show and the way they would lean heavily on a villain’s gimmick, so it works. And while there are a few too many eye-rolling jokes about the dynamic duo’s relationship that feel like a 20-year-old SNL bit that shall not be named, they aren’t nearly enough to impede the fun in any way. It’s hard to think of a better send-off for the man that embodied the concept of Batman for so many.

 

17. THE SHAPE OF WATER- A meditation on The Creature from the Black Lagoon in which the question is asked, “but what if the girl actually loved the Gillman?”, I’ll admit, I have some misgivings about the plot of The Shape of Water. Thankfully, any issues with the presentation of the late 50s/early 60’s, or problems with the characters’ behavior can largely be dismissed due to its nature as a modernized fairy tale. As beautiful a film as has been released all year, Guillermo del Toro continues to show he is a master of mixing fantasy and horror in varying amounts to varying results. It is charming, yet grotesque. Depressing, yet optimistic. Funny and unsettling in equal amounts. Wonderfully cast and gorgeously shot, it is a film that inspires big feelings, even as I wasn’t always sure what they should be. See it and weep over the fact that he turned down Universal’s offer to let him oversee the revamp of their horror universe.

16. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2- It would be purely within James Gunn’s rights to rest on his laurels after taking a rag-tag team of Marvel’s former C-listers and turning them into box office gold. He could have simply repeated the formula of the first film and most audiences would probably have been satisfied. Thankfully, he doesn’t know how to do anything conventionally. Heck, he won’t even let you get bored during the closing credits. In Guardians 2, we find Peter Quill’s father, the living planet Ego, and see that his daddy issues are there for a reason. Between Kurt Russell’s predictably strong turn as Ego, and Michael Rooker tearing into his breakout role of Yondu, Quill has more than enough to cause him anxiety. Strangest of all, with Russell, Rooker, Chris Pratt, Karen Gillan and more of the cast putting forward some very strong work, Dave Bautista practically runs away with the film thanks to his comedic timing being sharper than Gamora’s swords. Shockingly, he’s supported by a much bigger portion of dramatic chops to boot. What a long way he’s come from his days in Riddick. While the first one may be stronger overall with its simple space opera pleasures, the second film is a richer, more complex experience (mirrored by the increasingly obscure, and all-important soundtrack) that delves into the nature of family and what we expect from those in our lives who’ve been thrown together with us, by blood or fate.

<The Best of 2017 (#25-21)                                                       The Best of 2017 (#15-11)>

Kent’s 25 Favorite Damned Movies of 2017 (#25-21)

Now that the other stuff is out of the way, let’s look at my favorite films of 2017. The ones that, for various reasons, I connected to or appreciated in a pretty major way. Was I able to see everything? Of course not. I have a full time job and a reasonable social life for someone that spends a ton of time absorbing media, you weirdos. (And sometimes have to drive an hour to see obscure releases in the theater.) So take this for what it is: a heavily biased, personal opinion meant to sway you.

LET’S GET STARTED!

25. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2-  I started out as an admirer of the film  John Wick, but it was repeat viewings that really drove home just how good it is.  If there’s a flaw in the sequel, it’s that it’s so effective in trying to provide a breathless follow-up to the original sleeper hit, that it ends up being exhausting. Beginning a short, but undefined, time after the end of the first film, it finds his recent revenge coming at a high cost as he is drawn back into the belly of the death trade he left behind. There are few pleasures in action films equal to seeing the faces of men who underestimate Mr. Wick, and there are many such pleasures to be had in this slam bang sequel. The world building is well done, drawing out details of the underworld he inhabits, but never overexplaining things. It also does a good job introducing us to new characters played by genre favorites like Franco Nero and Laurence Fishburne. As what is obviously supposed to be the middle installment of a trilogy, it certainly delivers on putting the titular character through the wringer and leaving him on the other side, broken, battered and in a worse place than he started; the viewer may just end up a wreck as well.

24. WONDER WOMAN- How good was the majority of Wonder Woman? So good that even a CGI clusterfuck of an ending couldn’t ruin it. And so good that it alone will almost single-handedly keep the current iteration of the DCU afloat, despite Justice League having to be a massive financial disappointment for Warner Bros. Gal Gadot is absolutely transcendent in the role, giving me the kind of “my Wonder Woman” feelings that others describe Michael Keaton and Christopher Reeves with, for their respective roles. Chris Pine takes to Steve Trevor with aplomb, showing us a character who exists in shades of grey, but is never an antihero. In the end, we can see why a literal goddess would catch feelings. Even the switch to a World War I setting manages to work, thanks to some deft wrangling of the film’s themes. The bold use of color alone, with her iconic outfit blazing in a sea of monochrome, puts this a step ahead of its brethren. (Or is it sistern?) Patty Jenkins deserves a lot of credit here, for making a movie that just plain works in an era where origin stories are often dismissed out of hand as old hat. It’s even grown on me through repeated viewings, elevating itself onto my list.

23. DAVE MADE A MAZE- This may at least partly be the result of a Kickstarter project, but don’t let that fool you; it’s a real movie and you may even recognize some of the people in it, if you watch the same TV that I do. It would be easy to call this the Michael Gondriest movie that Michael Gondry never Gondried, but that’s not giving it enough credit. This is the story of a man who wants to make something great, and gets swallowed up by his project as it spirals out of control and takes on a life of its own. Most of us try-hard artists can certainly relate. In this case, he creates a cardboard labyrinth in his living room, which takes on magical (and dangerous) properties. It’s one of a few movies this year (see my top 10) that do a great job examining the various reasons a person feels a need to create. In this case, it’s a warped frustration, lashing out against feelings of mediocrity and not having accomplished anything major. (This is possibly why one of my favorite bits is when some of the characters roll their eyes over the idea that the maze is “powered by imagination.”) It’s a wonderful pairing of subject matter and filmmaking, as the low budget feel adds to the home-made quality that permeates the entirety of its being. And there are definitely some fun things on display, with a production design that really manages to wow, using nothing more than acres and acres of cardboard, string and paint. Again, that doesn’t give it enough credit, however, because it also manages to incorporate stop-motion, animation and any and every type of practical effect you can think of to create this extraordinarily ordinary world of deadly whimsy. (How often do you get to use that descriptor?) Ultimately, even though I identify with it, I acknowledge there are plot threads left dangling and it can be a bit messy, character-wise. But if you’re the kind of person that loves inventiveness, you’ll find it worth watching just due to the visuals and wackiness on display. Hopefully, you’ll find that you’re like me though, and you’ll appreciate it in a broader way.

22. BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99- A strange movie that breathes the same air as 70s prison exploitation films, Brawl in Cell Block 99 is every bit an update of that kind of skewed message movie. The underlying current seems to be a pretty big statement against the prison system and the still continuing war on drugs. The harshness of the visuals matches the tone as a noble “loser” seems to be smacked down every time he tries to do the right thing, and finally goes crooked. Even then though, he can’t keep from being punished for having a conscience and the licking the universe seems intent on inflicting upon him begins to take on more and more vicious physical representations as he ends up on the bad side of a drug lord. The thing that makes the character surprisingly endearing though, is that he’s developed quite the tolerance to the utter heaping of pain that is constantly being dropped on him, and he can rage back against it with a righteous fury. Vince Vaughn has shown to have more range than people expect of him, going from broad comedies like Dodgeball to more dramatic fare like True Detective, but Brawl uses him in a way few people probably ever expected. Taking advantage of his size, something that is often overlooked thanks to his relaxed demeanor, the film reimagines Vaughn as a physical powerhouse. The kind of character Jack Reacher probably should have been on film, should he have been captured as he exists on the page: a quiet, thoughtful, imposing hulk who can overcome nearly any physical trauma due to the single-mindedness of his purpose. It’s his performance that helps keep the movie on track from its start as a fairly grounded drama, through it’s methodical morphing into something more pulpy, ending with a sudden burst of unreal ultraviolence.

21. THE HERO— Sam Elliott needs to be the star of more movies. That one sentence honestly should be all I need to say about this film, wherein he plays an aging actor, renowned for his Western roles. Typecasting, right? He spends his days getting high and ambling towards obscurity and the grave with an ex-wife, an estranged daughter and a legacy of one film that he is truly proud of in his wake. There is a great supporting cast here, with Nick Offerman, Krysten Ritter and Laura Prepon, but it all comes back to Elliott and you can see that, like his character, when given a choice to rise above commercial voice overs and crappy Netflix sitcoms, he is doing the best he can to really sink his teeth into a role that had to have been written just for him.

< THE WORST OF 2017                                                       THE BEST OF 2017 (#20-16) >

Kent’s Worst (and Most Disappointing) Films of 2017

If you subscribe to our podcast, you undoubtedly know we did our year-end wrap up for 2017 last week, but for those that want a little more (or don’t want to have to sit through it all), I’ve done a write-up that expands on the best, the worst, and the rest of 2017. Why not start with the ones that did less than impress.

I’M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED

Before we get to the dregs, however, let’s start with the most disappointing movies of the year for me. The ones I had high hopes for, but did not deliver.

3. A GHOST STORY- There are some truly interesting ideas in A Ghost Story. It’s too bad that director David Lowery is more interested in filming every second of Rooney Mara grief-eating a pie. An exercise in self-indulgence, it would have probably made a great short film. Instead, it feels overlong to the breaking point, punctuated by inspired moments. To mangle an old quote, “I may not know art, but I know what puts me to sleep.”

2. THE GREAT WALL- A big-budget adventure movie with monsters set in a mythical version of Chinese history? Sign me up! Except that one of the biggest issues with modern filmmaking is the cold calculation involved in attempting to appeal to the Chinese market. Sometimes it results in appealing to neither culture with movies which are just plain bad, with studios hoping their visuals will appeal through some lowest-common denominator filmmaking. The Great Wall seems like it should side-step the issue by doing a couple of things that are actually pretty bright: they actually set the film in China (along the Great Wall, at that) and they got an American to be in the film as a European that is trying to bring gunpowder back to the West. (Similar things were done back in the 60s, where you’ll notice a white guy/girl running around in Japanese kaiju films.) So far, so good, I suppose. Unfortunately, the film came out half-baked anyway thanks to a limp script. The entire film is pretty much condescending towards Matt Damon’s character (maybe because he’s Matt Damon, maybe because they wanted to avoid a “white savior” situation that the movie was being criticized for before anyone had even seen it), and a sizable portion of the themes feel like they were pulled out of Mao’s Little Red Cook Book. This would be forgivable if the action were special, but it is simply CGI-serviceable. The whole thing ends up being the cinematic equivalent of plain oatmeal.

1. BATMAN AND HARLEY QUINN- The idea of artist/director/animator/producer Bruce Timm returning to the DC Animated Universe that birthed Harley Quinn for a story about her partnering with Batman seems like an automatic slam dunk. Unfortunately, this thinly stretched remake of the Batman: The Animated Series episode “Harlequinade” is anything but. Even at 74 minutes, it’s full of more filler than a grade-school cafeteria hamburger. The animation is pretty dodgy in many places, especially on Harley herself, as she looks off-model a good portion of the time. (One wonders why it was released in the 4K format when some of the more consistent films they have made recently were not.) After being spoiled by the layered performances of Arleen Sorkin and Tara Strong, the new voice of Harley, Melissa Rauch of The Big Bang Theory, is so one-note and terrible that it somehow feels less like the “real” Harley than the be-hotpantsed Margot Robbie in Suicide Squad. The tone is just odd, featuring a lot of awful “adult” gags and a thinly-veiled sex scene designed to push the feature to an unneeded PG-13 rating. DC Animation made some enjoyable films this year (you’ll even find one of them in my top 20), but this one should have been the best. Instead, it was the worst kind of middling.

OH, THE PAIN! THE PAIN!

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to the stuff that I just did not enjoy at all. (With exceptions that are singled out along the way.)

7.  BRIGHT- What would Zootopia be like if it was made by less talented people? Probably about like Bright, which is just as messy, but lacking all of the charm the animated film managed to scrape together. David Ayer shows he wasn’t made for big-budget crowd pleasers (especially with questionable scripts), as this urban fantasy exhibits a lot of the same problems that Suicide Squad did. Half the blame can certainly rest on the oddly busy Max Landis, who wrote the script and is apparently still coasting on his name and the moderate success of Chronicle. But then Will Smith also feels like he’s on cruise control here, with his “Training Day Lite” performance. Joel Edgerton and Noomi Rapace, a couple of dependable actors, simply don’t have anything worthwhile to do. The best thing I can say about it is, at least it didn’t cost me $10 to see it in a theater.

6. THE MUMMY- We’ve seen how good Tom Cruise’s movies can be when they succeed in spite of him. People like Brad Bird, JJ Abrams and Doug Liman have done a great job of making wonderful entertainment with him. Unfortunately, when he is not reigned in and is allowed to take over a movie, we get films like Mission: Impossible 2 and The Mummy, Universal’s single entry into their suddenly defunct Dark Universe. The most entertaining part of the film is when Russell Crowe refers to Cruise as a “young man,” allowing the audience to laugh at the complete lack of self-awareness involved. Perhaps if there had been a little bit more attention paid to the title character, it would have been better. Maybe if they’d paid more attention to any of the characters besides Tom Cruise’s. Or if they’d worried about making Cruise’s character something other than a completely unlikable ass, who we’re just supposed to like anyway, because he’s Tom Cruise. Maybe if they’d seemed a bit more concerned with the story at hand instead of setting up Dr. Jekyll and his monster hunters for franchise glory. But sadly, none of those things came to pass. The Mummy is, at best, an important parable that chickens should not be counted before they hatch.

5. BAYWATCH- Baywatch is a movie that simply can’t decide what it wants to be. Sometimes it’s a raunchy R-rated comedy. Sometimes it’s supposed to be a loving and accurate tribute to the original TV show, a family drama about lifeguards that peddled T&A. There are even a handful of times it’s trying to be a Farrelly Bros. film. Sadly, it misses on all counts. It’s not funny. It’s not a particularly good tribute. It’s, frankly, a waste of the talents of nearly everyone involved. Dwayne Johnson and Alexandra Daddario definitely deserve better than the poor characterization and whiplash tone that it foists upon them.

BEST OF THE WORST-

CJ in BAYWATCH

We must be in the Upside Down. How else can you explain how someone as charismatic as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson laid such an egg in Baywatch, while a relative newcomer, model-turned-actress Kelly Rohrbach, stole the film right out from under him, providing one of the few bright spots in the whole exercise simply by managing to be likable and charming.

4. GHOST IN THE SHELL- What a waste. In a year where we actually got an outstanding Blade Runner sequel, it becomes even harder to justify this remake, whose most-noted positive attribute was its aping of Blade Runner’s visual style. While the Scarlett Johansson whitewashing controversy was overblown, the idea that the film couldn’t address it by capitalizing on its own themes about identity in a plot involving a Japanese woman’s brain being put into a cybernetic Caucasian-looking body is just unforgivable. The biggest issue, however, is the fact that it’s in the same general vicinity as Tommy Wiseau’s The Room at depicting realistic human behavior (and, in a wonderful irony, much, much worse than its animated source material, which was built around the philosophical question of what it was to be human.) It’s a shame they were more focused on recreating key iconic visuals from the anime than the context in which they appeared.

BEST OF THE WORST-

Beat Takashi in GHOST IN THE SHELL-
He almost makes this awful mess worth seeing. Because as bad as the stinker is, it can’t hide just how cool the man from Battle Royale is.

3. MONSTER TRUCKS- Sadly more Mac and Me than ET, Monster Trucks seems like it has good intentions to be a throwback, Amblin-style family adventure. Unfortunately, it fails on literally every single level. The story, in which oil companies are vilified as environmental fable villains while the truck culture that relies on them is advertised for an hour and a half, makes absolutely no sense. The “teenage” hero looks less like a high schooler than about anyone this side of Steve McQueen in The Blob, leading one to wonder just how many times this dope has had to repeat a grade. One also wonders how talented people like Rob Lowe, Frank Whaley, Barry Pepper, and Amy Ryan managed to get wrangled into this mess for thankless, and oftentimes pointless, roles. I feel sorry for any parent whose kids latch onto this one for repeated viewings.

2. TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT- It’s better than the last one because it hurt a little less and was easier to laugh at. That’s the nicest thing that can be said about Bay’s fifth trip to the dry well on this franchise. The story… who am I kidding? There’s no story. There’s a mélange of other movies cobbled together into something resembling a screenplay written in crayon. As angry and confused as ever, Mark Wahlberg stars again as Texas inventor Cade Yeager, who starts the movie hanging out in a junkyard in one of the Dakotas, that looks suspiciously like his home in Texas from the last movie. Before things are done, we have been introduced to the British Megan Fox, Sir Anthony Hopkins has had a blast giving the worst performance of his career, and the entire continuity of this enterprise has begun to make the X-Men’s look sensical in comparison. I’m still trying to figure out how Stanley Tucci’s drunken Merlin ties into this, seeing as how he played the minor antagonist of the fourth one, but that seems to be putting far more thought into this movie than anyone did when they filmed it.

BEST OF THE WORST-

The Shia LaBeouf cameo in TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT-

The only purposeful laugh this movie managed to cajole from me.

1. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST-  It’s been a long time since I have hated a movie as much as this one. I basically sat in the theater getting more angry with every single bad choice made on the screen that took an animated masterpiece and turned it into a bloated, ugly abomination. The updates to the plot make no sense. The new songs show why they weren’t included the first time around. I hated to even look at the garish production design that feels like a whole movie put together by the person who puked up the Mad Hatter from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Great actors are wasted. Josh Gad is also in it, and that certainly doesn’t help. It is the worst-case scenario for the unnecessary remake factory that Disney has become, despite now owning half the intellectual properties on the planet. The fact that it made over a billion dollars at the box office is just as big of an indictment of popular tastes as the success of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies.

KEEP READING FOR THE BEST OF 2017 >

 

Aisle of the Damned: 01/19/17- The Perfunctory 2017 Wrap-Up

Hello, fellow movie geeks! Bryan and Kent are up to their old tricks again with their mandatory look at the year that was! Yes, there’s a look a the best, the worst, and the most disappointing releases of the year. Which movies will top their lists? Will Bryan have room for anything besides the plethora of grand superhero films this year? Find out!

All this and less on Aisle of the Damned!

MUSIC:
The Aquabats- Stuck in a Movie
Velocity Girl- My Forgotten Favorite

Aisle of the Damned: 01/05/18- Quick N’ Dirty

Teacups

It’s Bryan’s turn to be sick, so this week, both of the Damned boys get to be grumpy. But Kent has reviews of the long-gestating sequel Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Netflix’s attempt at a blockbuster, Bright, and Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water.

They also have a contentious discussion about Jodie Foster’s contentious interview regarding superhero movies. Does she have a point, or is she just the latest to pile onto a decades long one-sided feud with audience-pleasing blockbusters? Plus, Bryan won’t forget about Criterion’s new release of the John Hughes film, The Breakfast Club.

All this and less on Aisle of the Damned!

MUSIC:
The Aquabats-
Stuck in a Movie
The Cadets- Stranded in the Jungle

Aisle of the Damned: 12/22/17- O hai, Luke

 

Yep, it’s the hap-happiest season of all: Star Wars movie release time! Oh, and Chanukkah or something is going on too. Bryan and Kent discuss Star Wars: The Last Jedi and the petulant reaction of a certain section of fanboys.

Not satisfied with that, they also discuss The Disaster Artist, with James Franco taking on the role of Tommy Wiseau, the auteur behind The Room.

We also have a slew of trailers for upcoming 2018 films and a big discussion of the biggest shake-up to hit Hollywood in years: Disney’s buy-out of Fox’s entertainment division! Plus, Quentin Tarantino is beaming into Star Trek, the National Film Registry has picked 25 new entries and some GI Joe news.

All this and less on Aisle of the Damned!

Music:
The Aquabats- Stuck in a Movie
Supernova- Chewbacca

Aisle of the Damned: 12/01/17- Like a Bat-Kid on Christmas

Howdy, folks! As the holiday season bears down on us, Justice League has been unleashed upon us. Does this Frankenstein monster of a film fly like Superman or sink like Aquaman? We will discuss the particulars! Meanwhile, Kent has seen Coco and is dying to tell you about it.

Plus, we discuss some Marvel developments, some trailers and less, on Aisle of the Damned!

Music:
The Aquabats- Stuck in a Movie
Amazing Transparent Man- Holding Out for a Hero

Aisle of the Damned: 11/17/17- Under the Rainbow

Mjolnir Coppertone

It’s time for the biggest superhero movie of the year. No, not that one. Thor: Ragnarok is ready to hammer its way into your heart. But that’s not all! Bryan and Kent also take a look at the latest version of Murder on the Orient Express and the Netflix release The Babysitter.

But wait! That’s not all! We also talk news about Star Wars, Creed 2, Fox and Disney rumors, and the Sony Spider-Manless-Universe. And we’re not done yet! Vinegar Syndrome’s Orgy of the Dead release tries to do right by Ed Wood!

All this and less on Aisle of the Damned!

Music:
The Aquabats- Stuck in a Movie
St. Vincent- Black Rainbow